“First 20 minute” Review of Transformers

Regal Cinemas 10:45 Transformers

Michael Bay’s latest effort Transformers was a gurantee flop in my book months in advance. I never give Bay an inch. Granted I was an occasional fan of the show as a child, my heart was more into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But who doesnt enjoy seeing cars turn into friendly futuristic instruments of destruction. I have staunchly tried to avoid his films at all cost. The ones that I do venture to the local theatre to see normally end with a sour taste in my mouth and an uncomfort in the crotch area. Films like The Island, Pearl Harbor, are Texas Chainsaw Chainsaw Massacre, just to name a few. Transformers was an impulse decission loosely based on word of mouth and the lack of anything better to do on a Saturday night. SO. There I was.

Surrounded by the normal pre pubescent noise and and the ever so animated thugmuffins, I sat down to witness what 200 million dollars could produce. Cue the Lights. Cue the noise. No? Hey Shut up. I should have known something was wrong when the test film ran through 4 times. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of working in a Projection Booth, Test films refers to transparent positive film marked with countdown and slate that is run through the projector to check for any obtusions that might damage the film. I noticed there was several peices of this linked together. It didnt occur to me that they might have mutli-threaded several machines with the same print. A PRACTICE THAT I NEVER ENJOYED.  Cue the trailers. YAY! oh….

The traiers ran through as if they were that guy on the street who no one pays attention to. I dont remember seeing one thing that I liked. Movies like Superbad, and some Stuntman Movie promised the same cheap laughs and mindless distractions. I obviously blanked out here. UMMMMM»> Cue the movie.

At this point I was excited. The opening narration came on, and it was a peculiar voice, one that seemed familiar but not. The story began in space where the CUON (dont penalize me for incorrect spelling) a giant cube that gave birth to planets, that was aimlessly floating around space. Comets and Meteors were bumbing into it left and right, knocking it in different directions. Fortunately, it ended up landing on Earth. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE!

The main characters were introduced. “What is your perfect day?” A soldier asked another as they were flying back to thier base camp. “Hot Day, Baseball, and a flat beer.” Easy to please. The main charcter said “The day that I get to hold my baby.” The usual banter was exchanged. THe opening action scene was amazing. Not going to ruin that… But wow. I had an eargasm. Great 3-D. It was an impressive spectacle.

 Cut to additional character. A smooth talking 17 year old in his Literature class presenting to the class. We was trying to raise money for his first car by selling his Grandfather’s stuff. Surprisingly this kid’s characrter didnt bother me. It was decently written and executed by this kid. BLAH BLAH… Show some troubled high school chick stuck with the same dick guy. BLAH BLAH. She is hot. YEAH YEAH. Her face was jagged. I like a pretty face. BLAH BALH BLAH sexual tension. AND THEN IT HAPPENED…

DARKNESS.

The movie shut down. This was a unique experience for me. Instead of being the solution to the broken down projector. I was part of the mob. And what a mob! Everyone turned their head in unsion towards the back of the theatre. I Caught the eyes of the angered theatre goer. And it was friegtening. “What The Fuck,” “Where the movie is?” “Refund” and other chants of discontention. The movie was down. I starred toward the empty screen pondering what it could have been. It must have been multi threaded and the tension of the film caught and triggered the safety. I visualized how bad it must have looked up there and exactly how to fix it. I didnt want to join in the chanting.

 I got up to check out the halls. I went out for not but 5 minutes I come back to find three degenerates in my friend and I seats. “Your in my seat!” These kids were about 16 or so. Cocky as shit. Dressed for a drive-by. One white kid, One mexican, and One Black Kid. This will come into play later.

“Yeah”

“Oh Yeah”

“You got up!”

“I had to piss! Did you want me to piss right here? Listen I wouldnt take your seats so can you get up.”

“Nah, We’re Good”

(This is where a flash of violence occured to me, I wanted to mangle one of these kids)

“So your the badass?” I said to the kid in the center.

(confusion struck them, Why is this guy making such a big deal over these seats? They must be awesome seats) They were awesome seats. Thats why I sat down in them.

“Yeah I am a badass,” the black kid chimed in.

“Oh I know you are the badass, save it. Why dont you get out of my seats?”

“I think we’ll stay”

I am assure they could sense that they were getting to me. They didnt budge, What was I suppose to do?

“Fuck This!” and I walked away. There was no course of action that I could take that wouldnt involve a night in jail.

So of course like any other theatre patron I went to the authority figure in the establishment in hopes of compensation. The ever diligent, sharp, and knowledgeable Manager assisted us. ”Can you deal with these kids that took our seats?” She does. After a quick conversation she comes back and tells me that there is nothing she can do, they have tickets. She asked me if I had made any racial comments.

“Racial Comments?” Why do people still pull the race card? By now it must be so faded that it doesnt really matter. It caught me off guard. The fight in me was gone. I left the theatre with two passes and a pissed off disposition. Of Course this had nothing to do with the first twenty minutes of the movie that I did see. It looks decent.  

@4 years ago